Last night...

... my Mistress found my g-spot. I was really starting to think it didn't exist, after all in 19 years I never found it. When She hit it I must have visibly reacted because She kept doing what She was doing. it was amazing. It felt so good I had no idea what was going on. I even begged Her to tell me what exactly She was doing so that we could do it again later. She just laughed and told me She'd tell me later. I hope She doesn't mind my saying so, but She can also 'lick pussy like it's going out of style'. Remember that rose crop we bought? Yeah well she put a condom on the handle and fucked me with that too. In between getting fucked six ways from Sunday we had an extensive puppy play scene that just mostly involved me acting defiant and Her being rather persuasive until I admitted that I was in fact Her dog. We stayed up all night then She had to go to a work function, when She got back we had the most amazing...sleep. Come on we aren't super heroes. You cant stay up all night fucking then go about your day. I love weekends.

Feeling better...

...than my last post, that's for sure. I still need to get my shit together but I'm not being so down about it.

This weekend my Mistress and I had an overdue reunion with CUFF, and it was fantastic. We went to a play party where I was punished, a friend from CUFF let my Mistress have access to Her toy bag and so my Mistress had all kinds of fun trying out different floggers on me. the main point of the play party was we got to be ourselves around other people in the 'scene'. Being fed by my Mistress and walking around a house gagged and leashed with other people who dont even blink never loses it's appeal.

The next day we road tripped it to D.C. and went to Leatherfest, which was even cooler. as my Mistress said every where should be like that. People collared, people selling bondage gear, toys, and devices made for inflicting pain as if they were selling produce. We ourselves bought a rose crop. it's like a riding crop but with a suede rose at the end, so rather than there being a sting it's more like getting punched. I like blunt pain much more than sharp stingy pain and I really appreciate that my Mistress gets that and indulges me in that way.

Mistress McKenna had decided a long time ago that she wanted to find some kind of chain for me to wear when I couldnt wear a collar. A simple symbol of Her ownership that I couldnt personally remove. We found it at Leatherfest. A rather thick and heavy steel and chrome chain with a silver fully functional lock keeping it together. It doesnt fit over my head and it only has one key, guess who has that? So yeah, it doesnt come off unless SHE wants it to. initially I had assumed She would take it off when we were together and I could be collared, but She likes the way the chain and the collar look together so who knows when it'll come off. The man who sold it to Her said it could be worn 24/7 in the shower etc for like four years before it showed signs of damage. I think it would be fun to see how long in a row it will stay around my neck. Like i said it's pretty heavy, and i find myself tugging at it irritably at night when i try to sleep, but i suppose it's just a matter of getting used to. I LOVE having a symbol of my Mistress's ownership of me constantly around my neck and i know She does too.

MistressMckenna has recently informed me that She plans on loaning me out to other Dom/mes. At first I didnt believe Her, i really thought She was putting me on to make me nervous, but turns out She's serious heh. I'm still not positive how I feel about this, I mean as Her slave I will do what She tells me to and it sends thrills through me to think of myself being used and passed around as Her property, which of course i am. at the same time i'm incredibly nervous. i've never had any sexual contact with a man and She intends for that to change. i just hope that when the time comes i'm deep in sub space so i can without hesitation accept what's happening and obey because i don't want to freak out and panic and embarass my Mistress. i really should stop worrying because i know She wont put me in a situation that i'm not ready for and that She's not in control of. I love You my Lady.

I'm posting because...

... I feel guilty when I don't. I havent been able to ahere to my Mistress's wish that I post at least once a week, for various reasons. Often it's because I'm simply not in the right frame of mind. BDSM means so much to me, I have to be in the right mood to write about it, my Mistress, and our experiences or it will feel cheap. I'm lonely. I'm so, painfully lonely. For several reasons I will be alone in my house for the next month. I HATE being alone. I don't want to be alone for a day, a week, but a MONTH seems astronomical. my friends have gone back to school and my Mistress lives an hour and a half away. Not only is she too far away to see physically more than once a week or so, but her situation prohibits her from being able to talk to me on the phone or internet hardly at all. I hear from her once a day, rarely more than that. I should stop dwelling on these things... I should just talk about the amazing day we spent together and how much fun we had, and how she used me in that way that I need to be used then slept in her arms. But I'm too busy being sad and angry with myself. I've realized that I dont like the person I'm turning into. In high school, people were drawn to me because I was friendly and full of life... lately I've been snarky, petty, confrontational, perpetually negative. This just isnt me, I want to be my old self again. I havent felt like myself in a long time. I'm hung up on the fact that for the first time in my life I'm not working towards ANYTHING. I'm not working towards a degree, a career, a better life period. I feel stagnant, like i'm on stand-by. I just cant enjoy my life because I feel like my life is on hold. The only time I feel happy or content or optomistic is when I'm with my Mistress, my love. Things always make sense when we're entangled, talking softly in the dark. I want that forever. I feel like if I woke up next to her every morning then everything would be okay. But she's there, and I'm here. Alone. With no milestones to achieve, nothing to look forward to (other than seeing Her of course), nothing significant even, to mark passing time. My satillite is out so I don't even have mindless cartoons to distract me every night like I'm used to. I work to keep myself in food and gas for two weeks then the process starts over....

I know this isnt the kind of post my Mistress had in mind when she told me to start a blog. I'm just so caught up in my lonliness, and how pointless everything I'm doing in my life seems right now.

Life is...

...just not getting any easier. But I suppose it never really does. I'm home once again after a weekend with my Mistress and I'm feeling manically optimistic. It's just one of those nights where I know I can sleep as long as I want tomorrow, then get up and go to a job I love, then come home and talk to my Mistress into the small hours. It's one of those nights where my hair looks really good and I don't feel sorry for myself. One of those rare moments where I'm glad I have Tourette Syndrome because it is part of who I am. Plus I got a cool new shirt (haha). Things in my Mistress's life seems to have calmed down to a significant extent, which makes me very happy. I couldn't stand to see Her so anxious and worried. Now She has the chance to settle down and decide what She wants to do for the next semester or so. Unfortunately I need to wait a bit longer to decide what I want to do. I take that back... I KNOW what I want to do. But the situation is out of my hands and I'm basically waiting for fate, the legal system, and my mother to tell me my options. If all goes as I desperately want it to I'll be living exactly where I do right now, working, eventually taking some classes, taking care of my family, working on theatre productions, and seeing my Lady every week like I have been all summer (with few exceptions). *sigh* We'll see. All I can do is wait. In other news my Mistress was very loving and attentive this weekend. Not to say She isn't always, but after the instability of the last few weeks (months, years, etc,) She re-instituted some order in my life. She knows how much I crave structure, how appealing rules boundaries and restrictions are to me. *much happier sigh* She is so good to me.... I can't wait until we live together and establish a routine. I don't think many people would understand where I'm coming from, but growing up while my friends complained about their overbearing and controlling parents all I wanted was for some one to pay attention. I'm not saying my parents didn't care, but they definitely could have acted like it more often.... man some one bring out the violins, how did this go from being about how wonderful my Mistress is to my childhood. *shakes head* I blame my hunger and the fact that it's five a.m.... and of course... south park. *winks at his Mistress*

In trouble again...

but I know I deserve it. I had resolved to post on here once a day. My Mistress only required that I post once a week, and I have failed to meet that requirement. So I know I'm going to be corrected (rather painfully) when I see Her this weekend. Because I am posting tonight my punishment will be less severe. I hope my Mistress knows just how grateful I am for Her mercy. I need a patient Mistress and a patient girlfriend. I don't know anyone else who wouldn't run away screaming at the sight of all my baggage. And I don't know any other Domme's who would put up with my behavior, but some how I have a wonderful and loving Mistress who knows I can learn and is willing to teach me. The last weekend I spent with Her was all about learning. My Mistress had warned me about my impatients and that she was going to teach me a lesson in patients and my place. I honestly forgot all about her warning until I got to Her apartment.

When my Mistress and I are separated all week and some times more we are usually pretty quick to... catch up on things when we are together. So after several minutes of intimate contact on Her couch I started wondering why this didn't seem to be leading anywhere. She then informed me that it was in fact... going no where. She explained to me that I was too expectant of receiving pleasure, and that I needed to learn that the dynamics of our relationship were not about MY needs. She was right, as usual. Some how I had lost sight of the fact that the fundamental aspect of our lifestyle revolves around Her. Her desires. Her commands. Her rules. So to show me that waiting wouldn't kill me, and to remind me of my position, She kept me in a state of arousal while denying me any type of release. To make matters worse, it would be hours before she even allowed me to beg for it... and begging comes very naturally to me. The very begining of the lesson was the hardest. We were laying, limbs intertwined on the couch. I rolled my hips against her in a fit of frustration and she slapped me. Hard. But what really stung was the way she snapped "Can't you control yourself? You're like a dog!" The shame I felt then brought tears to my eyes, my thoat tightoned and I couldnt speak. She noticed right away, of course. She wanted to know what the matter was and it took me several tries to express my feelings. She was satisfied that her point had been made.

Later that night we went to visit our good friend Lilith at her job. We met a Dom who had a submissive wife who had once owned a live in female slave. He had brought a very heavy box of stuff that my Mistress and Lilith were going to split, my Mistress reached for the box and I said "Let me, Mistress" and carried the box to my car. This pleased her. Later when we were alone I took great care to pleasure her without pleasuring myself, which also pleased her because it showed I was learning my lesson. Even later when we were in bed She was bringing me back to a sexual frenzy and I started babbling, I was actually begging her to let me beg. She found this highly amusing and granted me permission but told me that it wouldn't do any good. I understood but I begged anyway. When she finally fucked me and let me cum it was incredible. She was particularly brutal (in the best of ways). I think it was to reward me but also to show me how waiting can pay off. If this werent about being a good slave it would sound like a lesson from barney....

The other event that stood out that weekend was our first trip to CUFF's bi-weekly meeting. They had a hands on seminar on foot worship which I think should be bottled and sold on e-bay. We met a lot of very nice and interesting people. We are going to keep going back to these meetings, the munches and hopefuly the play parties. I can't wait to go back and my Mistress is very excited because she thinks that CUFF will be our perfect base in the Community.

The rest of our time together was filled with various activities, with and without bdsm. I understand now why my Mistress is so insistent that I blog right after our weekends together... things just arent as clear in my memory after a week goes by. I am sorry for disobeying one of Your instructions Mistress...

the day will come when one of my posts doesn't end in an apology.

Finally...

my boring vanilla exhausting work week is over. Tomorrow is the start of a long weekend with my Mistress. I need this. I need every minute I can get with Her. I also need a lot of sleep and activities that I don't need to think about, to put it plainly. All I really want to do is hand the reigns of my life over to my Mistress for the next three days. I don't want to think, I don't want to make any decisions. I just want to let go of everything and let Her be in control. I know that isn't very fair of me. But I know that She can take care of me better than I can. When I'm with Her I feel safe, content, completely at peace. At the same time my desire to protect, defend, and care for Her gives me a real sense of empowerment. My resolve to keep Her from harm makes my senses quicken. I love You Mistress. I can't wait until I can sleep in Your arms again. My love, my Lady, and my dearest friend.

Another day...

another night of mindless television. Or so I thought. I was on the phone with my Mistress and I was reading the latest 'chapter' in a story She is writing about our Victorian alter egos. It was making me very hot and, well.... needy. My Mistress doesn't like to Dominate me over the phone, and we've never had phone sex. But when She heard me panting and whimpering softly into the phone.... I guess She couldn't resist. She said all of the filthy degrading things that I love to hear and simply cannot come without. I told Her all the ways I'd service Her if I were there. She told me all of the rough ways She would take me (in every orafice). All in all, it served for a delcious distraction from the pain of our seperation for a few fleeting moments.

I love my Mistress. I cannot emphasize this enough. And this amazing poweful woman loves me back. My Mistress had gone outside of Her comfort zone out of love for me... and I intend to return the favor....

I am bisexual. I have come to terms with the fact that there are times (usually very random times) when I find myself attracted to the male form... but the thought of submiting to a man creates a painful tightness in my chest and my stomach feels like it's full of some thing heavy and cold. I am not an idiot. I know that my Mistress and I will attend BDSM functions, and at these fuctions there will be Dominant men. I am also well aware that as Her slave, I am expected to maintain protocal and reflect well on my Mistress. This will require me to address the male Dominates as 'Sir', or 'Master'.... I think I'd rather live off of the wilderness and go two years without SEEING a man then to address one as either. But I will. Not only that, but I will address them as such without hesitation. Because as much as it pains me, I would rather bow down and kiss a man's boot in the middle of a crowded room then embarrass my Mistress. I simply love Her too much to disapoint Her.

At the order of Mistress McKenna, here is the link to Her blog: www.amistressmusing.blogspot.com