I'm posting because...

... I feel guilty when I don't. I havent been able to ahere to my Mistress's wish that I post at least once a week, for various reasons. Often it's because I'm simply not in the right frame of mind. BDSM means so much to me, I have to be in the right mood to write about it, my Mistress, and our experiences or it will feel cheap. I'm lonely. I'm so, painfully lonely. For several reasons I will be alone in my house for the next month. I HATE being alone. I don't want to be alone for a day, a week, but a MONTH seems astronomical. my friends have gone back to school and my Mistress lives an hour and a half away. Not only is she too far away to see physically more than once a week or so, but her situation prohibits her from being able to talk to me on the phone or internet hardly at all. I hear from her once a day, rarely more than that. I should stop dwelling on these things... I should just talk about the amazing day we spent together and how much fun we had, and how she used me in that way that I need to be used then slept in her arms. But I'm too busy being sad and angry with myself. I've realized that I dont like the person I'm turning into. In high school, people were drawn to me because I was friendly and full of life... lately I've been snarky, petty, confrontational, perpetually negative. This just isnt me, I want to be my old self again. I havent felt like myself in a long time. I'm hung up on the fact that for the first time in my life I'm not working towards ANYTHING. I'm not working towards a degree, a career, a better life period. I feel stagnant, like i'm on stand-by. I just cant enjoy my life because I feel like my life is on hold. The only time I feel happy or content or optomistic is when I'm with my Mistress, my love. Things always make sense when we're entangled, talking softly in the dark. I want that forever. I feel like if I woke up next to her every morning then everything would be okay. But she's there, and I'm here. Alone. With no milestones to achieve, nothing to look forward to (other than seeing Her of course), nothing significant even, to mark passing time. My satillite is out so I don't even have mindless cartoons to distract me every night like I'm used to. I work to keep myself in food and gas for two weeks then the process starts over....

I know this isnt the kind of post my Mistress had in mind when she told me to start a blog. I'm just so caught up in my lonliness, and how pointless everything I'm doing in my life seems right now.

Life is...

...just not getting any easier. But I suppose it never really does. I'm home once again after a weekend with my Mistress and I'm feeling manically optimistic. It's just one of those nights where I know I can sleep as long as I want tomorrow, then get up and go to a job I love, then come home and talk to my Mistress into the small hours. It's one of those nights where my hair looks really good and I don't feel sorry for myself. One of those rare moments where I'm glad I have Tourette Syndrome because it is part of who I am. Plus I got a cool new shirt (haha). Things in my Mistress's life seems to have calmed down to a significant extent, which makes me very happy. I couldn't stand to see Her so anxious and worried. Now She has the chance to settle down and decide what She wants to do for the next semester or so. Unfortunately I need to wait a bit longer to decide what I want to do. I take that back... I KNOW what I want to do. But the situation is out of my hands and I'm basically waiting for fate, the legal system, and my mother to tell me my options. If all goes as I desperately want it to I'll be living exactly where I do right now, working, eventually taking some classes, taking care of my family, working on theatre productions, and seeing my Lady every week like I have been all summer (with few exceptions). *sigh* We'll see. All I can do is wait. In other news my Mistress was very loving and attentive this weekend. Not to say She isn't always, but after the instability of the last few weeks (months, years, etc,) She re-instituted some order in my life. She knows how much I crave structure, how appealing rules boundaries and restrictions are to me. *much happier sigh* She is so good to me.... I can't wait until we live together and establish a routine. I don't think many people would understand where I'm coming from, but growing up while my friends complained about their overbearing and controlling parents all I wanted was for some one to pay attention. I'm not saying my parents didn't care, but they definitely could have acted like it more often.... man some one bring out the violins, how did this go from being about how wonderful my Mistress is to my childhood. *shakes head* I blame my hunger and the fact that it's five a.m.... and of course... south park. *winks at his Mistress*