I'm posting because...

... I feel guilty when I don't. I havent been able to ahere to my Mistress's wish that I post at least once a week, for various reasons. Often it's because I'm simply not in the right frame of mind. BDSM means so much to me, I have to be in the right mood to write about it, my Mistress, and our experiences or it will feel cheap. I'm lonely. I'm so, painfully lonely. For several reasons I will be alone in my house for the next month. I HATE being alone. I don't want to be alone for a day, a week, but a MONTH seems astronomical. my friends have gone back to school and my Mistress lives an hour and a half away. Not only is she too far away to see physically more than once a week or so, but her situation prohibits her from being able to talk to me on the phone or internet hardly at all. I hear from her once a day, rarely more than that. I should stop dwelling on these things... I should just talk about the amazing day we spent together and how much fun we had, and how she used me in that way that I need to be used then slept in her arms. But I'm too busy being sad and angry with myself. I've realized that I dont like the person I'm turning into. In high school, people were drawn to me because I was friendly and full of life... lately I've been snarky, petty, confrontational, perpetually negative. This just isnt me, I want to be my old self again. I havent felt like myself in a long time. I'm hung up on the fact that for the first time in my life I'm not working towards ANYTHING. I'm not working towards a degree, a career, a better life period. I feel stagnant, like i'm on stand-by. I just cant enjoy my life because I feel like my life is on hold. The only time I feel happy or content or optomistic is when I'm with my Mistress, my love. Things always make sense when we're entangled, talking softly in the dark. I want that forever. I feel like if I woke up next to her every morning then everything would be okay. But she's there, and I'm here. Alone. With no milestones to achieve, nothing to look forward to (other than seeing Her of course), nothing significant even, to mark passing time. My satillite is out so I don't even have mindless cartoons to distract me every night like I'm used to. I work to keep myself in food and gas for two weeks then the process starts over....

I know this isnt the kind of post my Mistress had in mind when she told me to start a blog. I'm just so caught up in my lonliness, and how pointless everything I'm doing in my life seems right now.