In trouble again...

but I know I deserve it. I had resolved to post on here once a day. My Mistress only required that I post once a week, and I have failed to meet that requirement. So I know I'm going to be corrected (rather painfully) when I see Her this weekend. Because I am posting tonight my punishment will be less severe. I hope my Mistress knows just how grateful I am for Her mercy. I need a patient Mistress and a patient girlfriend. I don't know anyone else who wouldn't run away screaming at the sight of all my baggage. And I don't know any other Domme's who would put up with my behavior, but some how I have a wonderful and loving Mistress who knows I can learn and is willing to teach me. The last weekend I spent with Her was all about learning. My Mistress had warned me about my impatients and that she was going to teach me a lesson in patients and my place. I honestly forgot all about her warning until I got to Her apartment.

When my Mistress and I are separated all week and some times more we are usually pretty quick to... catch up on things when we are together. So after several minutes of intimate contact on Her couch I started wondering why this didn't seem to be leading anywhere. She then informed me that it was in fact... going no where. She explained to me that I was too expectant of receiving pleasure, and that I needed to learn that the dynamics of our relationship were not about MY needs. She was right, as usual. Some how I had lost sight of the fact that the fundamental aspect of our lifestyle revolves around Her. Her desires. Her commands. Her rules. So to show me that waiting wouldn't kill me, and to remind me of my position, She kept me in a state of arousal while denying me any type of release. To make matters worse, it would be hours before she even allowed me to beg for it... and begging comes very naturally to me. The very begining of the lesson was the hardest. We were laying, limbs intertwined on the couch. I rolled my hips against her in a fit of frustration and she slapped me. Hard. But what really stung was the way she snapped "Can't you control yourself? You're like a dog!" The shame I felt then brought tears to my eyes, my thoat tightoned and I couldnt speak. She noticed right away, of course. She wanted to know what the matter was and it took me several tries to express my feelings. She was satisfied that her point had been made.

Later that night we went to visit our good friend Lilith at her job. We met a Dom who had a submissive wife who had once owned a live in female slave. He had brought a very heavy box of stuff that my Mistress and Lilith were going to split, my Mistress reached for the box and I said "Let me, Mistress" and carried the box to my car. This pleased her. Later when we were alone I took great care to pleasure her without pleasuring myself, which also pleased her because it showed I was learning my lesson. Even later when we were in bed She was bringing me back to a sexual frenzy and I started babbling, I was actually begging her to let me beg. She found this highly amusing and granted me permission but told me that it wouldn't do any good. I understood but I begged anyway. When she finally fucked me and let me cum it was incredible. She was particularly brutal (in the best of ways). I think it was to reward me but also to show me how waiting can pay off. If this werent about being a good slave it would sound like a lesson from barney....

The other event that stood out that weekend was our first trip to CUFF's bi-weekly meeting. They had a hands on seminar on foot worship which I think should be bottled and sold on e-bay. We met a lot of very nice and interesting people. We are going to keep going back to these meetings, the munches and hopefuly the play parties. I can't wait to go back and my Mistress is very excited because she thinks that CUFF will be our perfect base in the Community.

The rest of our time together was filled with various activities, with and without bdsm. I understand now why my Mistress is so insistent that I blog right after our weekends together... things just arent as clear in my memory after a week goes by. I am sorry for disobeying one of Your instructions Mistress...

the day will come when one of my posts doesn't end in an apology.

Finally...

my boring vanilla exhausting work week is over. Tomorrow is the start of a long weekend with my Mistress. I need this. I need every minute I can get with Her. I also need a lot of sleep and activities that I don't need to think about, to put it plainly. All I really want to do is hand the reigns of my life over to my Mistress for the next three days. I don't want to think, I don't want to make any decisions. I just want to let go of everything and let Her be in control. I know that isn't very fair of me. But I know that She can take care of me better than I can. When I'm with Her I feel safe, content, completely at peace. At the same time my desire to protect, defend, and care for Her gives me a real sense of empowerment. My resolve to keep Her from harm makes my senses quicken. I love You Mistress. I can't wait until I can sleep in Your arms again. My love, my Lady, and my dearest friend.

Another day...

another night of mindless television. Or so I thought. I was on the phone with my Mistress and I was reading the latest 'chapter' in a story She is writing about our Victorian alter egos. It was making me very hot and, well.... needy. My Mistress doesn't like to Dominate me over the phone, and we've never had phone sex. But when She heard me panting and whimpering softly into the phone.... I guess She couldn't resist. She said all of the filthy degrading things that I love to hear and simply cannot come without. I told Her all the ways I'd service Her if I were there. She told me all of the rough ways She would take me (in every orafice). All in all, it served for a delcious distraction from the pain of our seperation for a few fleeting moments.

I love my Mistress. I cannot emphasize this enough. And this amazing poweful woman loves me back. My Mistress had gone outside of Her comfort zone out of love for me... and I intend to return the favor....

I am bisexual. I have come to terms with the fact that there are times (usually very random times) when I find myself attracted to the male form... but the thought of submiting to a man creates a painful tightness in my chest and my stomach feels like it's full of some thing heavy and cold. I am not an idiot. I know that my Mistress and I will attend BDSM functions, and at these fuctions there will be Dominant men. I am also well aware that as Her slave, I am expected to maintain protocal and reflect well on my Mistress. This will require me to address the male Dominates as 'Sir', or 'Master'.... I think I'd rather live off of the wilderness and go two years without SEEING a man then to address one as either. But I will. Not only that, but I will address them as such without hesitation. Because as much as it pains me, I would rather bow down and kiss a man's boot in the middle of a crowded room then embarrass my Mistress. I simply love Her too much to disapoint Her.

At the order of Mistress McKenna, here is the link to Her blog: www.amistressmusing.blogspot.com

Mistress...

There are few people I know that love that word as much as I do. It sends chills down my spine and heat to my groin. One of the people who love it as I do is, infact, MY Mistress. You know Her on blogspot as Mistress McKenna. I have started my own blog at Her command. So here I am, at 3 a.m., with a terrible pain in my neck and another double shift to work tomorrow but I will not get some thing to eat and go to sleep until I have posted to an effect I hope my Mistress will find satisfactory. There is very little I wouldn't do for her. It's important to me that I express that I am not some random desperate sub that MistressMcKenna took a liking to in some fetish club. She was and is my best friend. No one could have anticipated how our relationship has progressed. I couldn't have hoped that this beautiful and disarmingly charming young woman would fulfill me in ways I couldn't dream of. I could not conjure a more capable, beautiful, or creative Mistress from my own imagination. I love her in ways you read in romance novels. I love her ways that what you are young and awkward and scorned you feel don't exist, or at any rate, could never happen to you. Our relationship isn't just sexual or merely a mindblowingly fantastic scene that doesn't end (although it is)... I want to marry this girl. I want to have children with her. I want the American dream that I scoffed at in high school. I want a secure career and at least four kids, and I want these things with Her... or I don't want them at all. My Mistress and I are 'lifestylers', but we slide in and out of scening naturally. She has rapidly claimed my heart my thoughts my attention my submission. I love her and submit to her will, but I do not 'worship' her. That is an unnecissary exageration and blatant blasphemy. Now that all of that has been expressed, lets move on to our most recent scenes... this is a bdsm blog afterall...

This weekend...

I was in very VERY big trouble... and I knew it. I had spent the past week or so away from my Mistress, on vacation with friends. It was a vanilla setting to the extreme, so not only did I miss Her because I love her... I ached with the unsatisfied urge to submit. I needed Her to Dominate me. To control me. To abuse me. The scenes I fantasized about became increasingly harsh. As my desire grew and more time passed without any release I became increasingly desperate... desperation made me stupid. When I text messaged my Mistress or spoke with her on the phone I used every opportunity to be disrespectful. I challeneged her authority; said things I wouldn't have dared to utter if we had been in the same room. She became more and more angry but I all but ignored her warnings. I was pushing her, I knew full well how disrespectful I was being, but I kept on pushing practicaly praying that she would snap and correct me, punish me, put me in my place (under her heel). Eventually I realized that what I was doing was deplorable and no way to get the attention I craved. I was so ashamed of myself I probably called and text messaged a half dozen desperate apologies. Punishment wasnt even on my mind, I was apologizing out of flat out disgust for myself for treating my Mistress that way. She forgave me momentarily, I assume because I was coming home and we were both so eager to see eachother. After an eight hour car ride I ran in my house to tell my family I was leaving immediately for my Mistresses house. In my haste I made a completely inexcusable mistake... I left my collar at home, and I couldn't find my cuffs. I may as well have put on a sign that read 'Hello my name is dorian and I am an insolent disrepectful slave who comes to his Mistress unprepared'. My Mistress is more merciful than I deserve and after speding around 14 hours in the car that day she let me get some much needed sleep. But the next day the punishment came fast and hard in the worst way. She tied me with cord by my wrists to a beam in her bedroom. The rope bit into my skin in a way that had me longing for my soft leather cuffs. She fastened on my bit gag and then blindfolded me... the blindfold read 'CUNT'. She then proceeded to beat me with a riding crop until my knees were weak, reminding me with each stroke that it was my disrepsect that put me in that position. The second part of the punishment was going much the same until she forced me to my knees and struck my shoulder with what I later found out was my black leather leash. It is terribly heavy, and the pain was so great I would have sworn in was a belt. Every time she hit me I had to say 'I will not forget my collar', and later 'I will not forget my cuffs'. By the end of the session I was sobbing, shaking, more than likely incoherent. But my punishment was over and my Mistress held me and stroked my hair and whispered that I was a good boy... all of the things I need after both sex and scening. We had a lot more scenes the rest of the weekend, including another encounter with the leash (which brought me to tears yet again), and wax play. But my favorite that stands out from the weekend was a drowning scene (which I love). The feeling of my Mistress' hand forcing my head under the water while she fucked me was indescribable. The angle proved dificult and she pulled me out of the water and layed me on my stomach. I was freezing and drenched, lying in a pool of water and my own saliva, and she fucked me right there on the floor of the bathroom like a common whore. Extacy.

So after a long weekend of abuse, painful positions, and absurdly long car rides, I returned to my vanilla job this morning... and worked a double. My body is pratically screaming in protest, and all I want to do is sleep for two or three days. But I wouldn't have changed a thing about this weekend. I'll hold onto it as I clean counters, restock napkins, deal with middle aged women and their endless complaints about the untidy bathrooms. I'll hold onto it until I'm in my Mistress' arms again. I love you my Lady.